When I wish upon a star, I'll tell it how I got this far
by lovelylouis
Summary: Alphard Black prefers Alrai Black; she and her pronouns, thank you very much. Finding acceptance isn't easy. QL, S5, R6. / Warning: Trans Character :)


**Written for the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition**

 **Round 6:** Cult Classics - Chaser 3: The Matrix

 **Holyhead Harpies Chaser 3 -** Optional Prompts: 2. [song] First Things First - Neon Trees; 5. [word] bloodthirsty; 14. [object] mirror

 **Warning:** Trans Character, for those who need the tag.

 **Note:** Alphard chose the name Alrai since it is also a star name. I liked the whole star name concept.

 **Word count:** 1,957

 **Disclaimer:** Nope. Never Have, Never Will.

* * *

 _ **When I wish upon a star  
I'll tell it how I got this far**_

* * *

 _i. You are never gonna get  
Everything you want in this world_

There were dozens of suits all lined up nearly against the mannequins and the racks, mainly in black and navy blue with a few different dark colors. They looked so boring to Alphard. His attention was drawn to the opposite wall. Dresses made of cotton and silk, shining like sparkles, all of them in different colors and in different designs. With their beautiful colors and long skirts, they called out to him.

His mother was busy gossiping with the owner so he walked towards the beautiful gowns. He let his hand roam over the fabric with delight, his lips pulling into a wide smile. He liked the way it felt against his skin, and he definitely liked it better than those drab suits. Alphard didn't understand why his mother had only pushed him towards the suits.

Alphard frowned, trying to take a green, silky dress from its hanger in vain. His arms were far too short to reach it.

"Alphard!" Irma cried, her lips pressed into a thin line and her eyes narrowed dangerously. Her heels clicked loudly on the tile as she made her way to him. "What on Earth do you think you're doing?"

He grimaced, hands falling to his side. "I found what I want to wear to the ball." Alphard pointed to the dress. "This. I want to wear this. Isn't it pretty?"

His mother's face did a funny thing. She looked bug eyed and like a fish, mouth open and gaping. Alphard wanted to giggle but figured it wasn't best to do so right now. Anger soon took over her and she snatched the dress of the rack and handed it to the owner. "Burn it," she declared, eyes never leaving his. "I'll pay for the costs. Just burn it."

The owner looked mildly shocked before nodding and taking the dress to the back of the store. Alphard recoiled at the disgusted look the woman sent his way.

"Now, what were you saying, _son_?" his mother began, as if the last moments never happened. She grabbed his upper arm and dragged him to the other side of the store. "You think the black is better than the midnight blue? I think so too."

"B-But...," he stuttered out, glancing at how the owner came back with nothing in her hands. He could smell the light scent of smoke lingering around the woman as she took the suits Irma mentioned off the racks.

"Hmm?" His mother gave one of the suits to him and directed him towards the changing room. "Couldn't quite catch what you were saying, boy. Now, go try these on and we'll find matching robes."

Alphard could only nod and walk away, holding the black suit to his chest in fear. He's positive one of his mother's nails scratched him. From this distance, he could just make out the whispered conversation behind him.

"Well, Mrs Black," the owner said nonchalantly, the smugness evident in her voice. "I didn't know your boy had those _inclinations_."

"I'm not sure you're aware of what you're implying. My _son_ certainly has no inclinations of any sort." His mother huffed. "We're simply picking out appropriate suits. I haven't the faintest clue of what you think happened."

"But, the thing with the dre-"

Alphard strained his ears as he quickly changed into the suit. The two must've transitioned into whispering at one point. He sighed, fingers adeptly working their way through the buttons. He stared long and hard at the full length body mirror inside with him. He squirmed uncomfortably, pressing down on the pants. It didn't feel right.

Alphard walked out and glanced between the two women. His mother looked more than satisfied and the owner unusually void of emotion.

"Oh, look at you! What a wonderful boy you've become! I've never been more prouder than to have raised such a handsome son like you," his mother exclaimed, hands clapping in joy.

Alphard nodded, body itching to take the suit off. He didn't feel handsome. His mind drifted off to the green dress and Alphard wondered if he would've felt beautiful wearing that instead.

 _ii. It was all about me choosing where to go_

The difference in her happened gradually, it came upon her in small increments of experiences.

The way she felt uncomfortable in her skin, like she was wearing another person's body suit and she couldn't take it off no matter how hard she tried. The way she was only given men's clothes to wear, how she longed to wear dresses and skirts but they were never given to her. The way her mother would prohibit her from touching anything remotely _girly,_ like Irma was afraid of what Alrai would do. The way her sister and brother watched her carefully, reporting everything that might've appeared strange straight to their mother.

Slowly but surely she realized that she no longer wanted to go by Alphard but by Alrai, that this Man's body wasn't her own, that he was a she.

The worst part was that she couldn't tell anyone. It wasn't for lack of trying either. Because she had tried, she had tried so many times.

But the dead look in people's eyes as she ventured near the subject threw her off. The hardened expression of her mother when she first approached her chilled Alrai to the bone.

The emotions swirling inside of her were dying to come out. It was a feverish need of her to scream it out loud; to make someone understand and accept her.

What she didn't need was conversion therapy. The way the counselors droned on and on about _phases_ and _rebellion_ as if Alrai was who she was to defy her mother. And no matter how many times she tried to explain, it fell on deaf ears.

She didn't need her mother thrusting marriage meeting after every Pureblood event like marriage was going to solve anything. The way girls seemed to throw themselves at her, inquiring about _Alphard's_ fortune.

She didn't want everyone ignoring her feelings. Alrai was almost certain everyone knew how she felt; she wasn't making it a secret like her mother was. But still everyone danced around her, shooting her looks of disgust and whispering whenever she walked by. Everyone still insisted on calling her a _male_ when she had so clearly stated her preferred pronouns.

Alrai was trapped. She was trapped in a stubborn society who refused to acknowledge her. With each suit she wore, the walls around her enclosed faster. She was afraid the walls would close in on her and it'd be far too late to save her.

Alrai only wanted acknowledgement. She only wanted someone to act like she existed. She was sick and tired of people acting like her confessions never happened, like _she_ didn't exist.

 _iii. There were days and nights I couldn't see the end_

Staring at herself in the mirror of her room, the river stored inside her broke. Tears fell from her face as she took in the sight of her body.

She hated how broad her shoulders were and how they built muscle without her asking for it. She hated how sharp and angular her facial structure was. She hated body hair. The way it grew everywhere and wouldn't stop no matter how much she shaved. How the hair would cover her face and how she would shave daily because it repulsed her. How all the places which were supposed to be soft were hard. How her body looked was far from what Alrai felt.

She pulled on her short black hair, wishing she was allowed to let it grow out. But her mother never allowed her to; it reminded Irma too much of a girl's hair style.

Alrai closed her eyes and let herself imagine. Let herself imagine a world where she could just be herself.

 _iv. I went out to find my soul and left the only comfort that I know_

The music filled the ballroom and Alrai could just make out light laughter drifting from where she stood, out in the hallway taking a breather.

She could practically picture the scene before her since it was like every other Pureblood gathering. Guests came with pretty daughters and handsome sons then hushed conversations took place on who would marry who. They were uneventful and dull. Her mother always made sure her sister and brother looked their absolute best. She did the same with Alrai, at least in Irma's opinion. Her mother always used these events to show the rest of society how Alrai was _normal_ , so to speak.

Dressed in a black suit with her hair combed back, she felt most uncomfortable. Her uncomfortableness only increased when Walburga walked out of the hall.

"Oh," Walburga gasped when she turned the corner. She tossed her black long hair behind her shoulder and sneered. "What are you doing here, Alphard? Hiding from dear mummy, I imagine."

Alrai flinched, her back pressing harder against the wall. "Isn't that what you're doing?" she retorted, the unconfidence she felt didn't appear in her voice. She was grateful for that.

Walburga scoffed, crossing her arms. "Mother loves me. As if _I_ have anything to fear unlike you," she drawled, eyebrows raising slightly in smugness. "I'd best go back if I were you."

Alrai nodded stiffly, already turning on her heel before Walburga spoke again.

"Or you could do something else," Walburga said, sounding amused. Alrai turned slowly and she saw the scheming look on her sister's face. "You could go to my room and grab a dress. Any dress would do for your purpose. I suppose your shoulders are bigger but a quick charm could do the trick which you could also use for your hair. After you've done all that, you could come back to the ball."

Alrai opened her mouth and said nothing. Her palms were sweaty as she contemplated this decision. However, there was no debating to be done, Alrai already knew what she would do. Just before Alrai turned to leave, she asked, "Why are you helping me?"

"I want you _gone_ ," Walburga spat, eyes glinting with hate. "That's all."

And that's all Alrai heard before she jogged her way upstairs. The search for a dress was brief. Once her eyes landed on a long, sheen green dress, her heart was made. Casting the spells for the hair and dress was easy. What wasn't easy was gathering the courage to enter the ballroom.

Alrai peeked inside, seeing the picture perfect model of a Pureblood ball, she knew she wanted to break that. She entered proudly. Her shoulders thrown back, her head lifted high, and a wide smile on her face she was a sight to be seen. A bloodcurdling scream filled the hall and she instantly recognized it as her mother's voice.

"I'm Alrai Black," she said in a loud voice. She applauded herself inside when her voice didn't waver as much as she thought it would. She took in the reactions and smiled. Their shocked faces were priceless and entertaining.

The music began again; Alrai hadn't even realizes they stopped playing. She could see the bloodthirsty glare her mother was sporting. Alrai smiled and approached the dancefloor as elegantly as she could. Her father's hand on her mother's shoulder was the only thing stopping Irma from cursing her out of the room.

Alrai swayed by herself in harmony with the beat. She could get burned off the tapestry for all she cared. What she did care about was how light her heart felt in this moment.

Alrai was none the wiser if her act spurred on others to venture outside this bigoted society.


End file.
